Volunteer Editors’ Deluxe Auto Insurance Policy™

Covered Vehicles
• Motor vehicles manufactured by Saab and Saturn (2020–2025 models), Pontiac Aztek, Yugo, American Motors Gremlin, and Telsas (cars branded “Telsa,” NOT “Tesla”).
• Odometer readings must not exceed 17,000 miles or 21,000 kilometers. (17,000 miles is more than 21,000 kilometers, but we cover fewer kilometers because we’re based in the USA, where we continue to resist the metric system on the logical grounds that it’s logical.)

Coverage Provided
This policy proudly offers:
• Sentimental Value Protection: In the event of total loss, we’ll send a handwritten note of condolence and a coupon for 15% off wiper fluid.
• Acts of God: We cover damages caused by Acts of God if (a) they are second lightning strikes and (b) God provides a signed affidavit admitting responsibility. (Good luck getting Him to sign. What is with that guy?)
• Actual Money Reimbursement (AMR) for damages caused by falling hams.
• Tony will change your flat tire if it’s a weekend afternoon and an “easy drive” from his last known home address in Cushing, Oklahoma. (Note: Tony will not work on Telsas.)
• Sympathy emails for non-covered losses. We will attach a photo of a kitten if that will help.

Exclusions
We will not cover damage related to, arising from, or in any way involving:

1.        Collisions—whether with another car, object, idea, or with other editors arguing over a poem.

2.        Mechanical “failure,” including engines, transmissions, or glove compartments. (We don’t like the word “failure.” Broken parts learn from their mistakes and often move on to new careers. Many now work as adjunct instructors, holding signs that read “Will Work for Shit Pay.” Too soon? Too close to home?)

3.        Weather, natural disasters, supernatural disasters, natural women, twelve angry men, little women, stout-hearted men, or artificial sweeteners.

4.        Tires—because, frankly, those things just wear out with use, or suddenly explode.

5.        Trump.

6.        Windshields damaged for the first time. However, we may cover the repair of a first crack if a second identical crack later appears in the same windshield. Applies to Saabs, Saturns, Pontiac Azteks, Yugos, American Motors Gremlins, and Telsas. Also Foords and Chevlorets.

Claim Process
If you believe you have a claim, and we’re forced to admit you do—say, because you went on TV, sat on a couch, and told your sad little story to a local reporter—please:
• Fill out Form UH-NO-1.
• Submit it in triplicate to our Claims Department in person, or to Tony at his residence in Cushing. (Email us for Tony’s last known address. Because what is with that guy?)
• Don’t expect a set timeline. Our official policy: “Wait until later for processing to sometimes occur.”

Deductible
• You’re going to love this. There are NO DEDUCTIBLES. We pay them. Our editors are volunteers. We appreciate them!